To quote myself from ‘Jaane Bhi Do Yaaro’, that great 1983 epic directed by Kundan Shah — not related to anyone in the present BJP disposition, but clearly proving that the party existed during the time of the Pandavas and Kauravas — ‘yeh sab kya ho raha haibetaDuryodhan?!’ Why are people finding it so difficult to believe Tripura CM Biplab Deb when he says that the only way I could have followed what was happening on the battlefield of Kurukshetra, live, was because Sanjaya — no, not former media advisor to Raja Manmohan Singh and just-resigned FICCI secretary general Sanjaya Baru, but my driver (thereby proving that Audis were made in India thousands of years ago) — was following the live streaming of the whole shindig. As Pundit Aditya Chari Katkar, known among libtards as Arthur C Clarke, had quite rightly said: “Any sufficiently advanced technology is indistinguishable from magic.” So Deb is quite accurate when he says that at Hastinapur, we had Wi-Fi. Vyasa just gave it the fancier name, e-Nayana. (We had Cohiba cigars too.) Deb, despite the sniggers going all around in sickular, English-medium circles, is completely logical when he said: “How could Dhritarashtra see through his eyes? That means technology was there!” Yes, if I didn’t have an ideological problem with getting my optic nerves regrown (the technology was there, but my mother Ambika was terrified that the optic cells would come from a shudra, and I was a dutiful son), I could have jolly well watched the 18-daylong battle myself from the VIP stands.

My missus, Gandhari (no relation to the Nehru-Gandharis), could have easily watched the whole show on our 43-inch ‘Vishwarup’ model 3D Smart TV (courtesy Lord Shiva’s Neelkanth® technology, later to be known as ‘Bluetooth’ by White people) and been my commentator, instead of the artificially intelligent dhakkan Sanjaya — who was always hopeless with GPS technology, even when the app’s woman voice didn’t tell him to turn left towards JNU with a Panchala accent.

But she could never remember the password. Which is why she took the easy way out to put on an eye mask in public and Amar Chitra Kathas. Yes, India invented the camera, Page 3 journalism and high-end sleepware.

The good thing about Biplab Deb is that even if he doesn’t really seem to have read any of the Mahabharata texts — satellites were not invented in India, but by the Sumerians (mentioned in ‘The Epic of Gilgamesh’, written about a king who lived in today’s Southern Iraq some 1,500 years before I was ruling) — he has his heart in the right place. Envy, compounded with a lack of ability, gives a person unimaginable imagination. The downside is that he gives the Mahabharata a bad name, projecting all his complexes in one grand epic. (Take a bow, Vyas.) Be that as it may, this new Tripura satrap is quite right to project ancient India as a technological powerhouse whose inventions and discoveries were all nicked by White colonialists, who have managed to still keep Brown colonialists in India brainwashed into having such an inferiority complex that they really can’t believe that ancient India had aircraft, nuclear bombs and virtual porn.

To ensure that India circa 2018 sets the record straight, let me tell everyone what is false and what is true. We did know a sureshot procedure for invitrofertilisation. I filled up 101 cups myself with a 101% strike rate, letting Gandhari be free to pursue God of War on her PS4. The fact that most things were not wired during our time obviously tells you that we had invented wireless technology. On the other hand, it would be wrong for anyone to say that ancient India discovered the Beef Stroganoff. Ancient Indians did put flour in their beef.

As the British sitcom, ‘Goodness Gracious Me’, documents quite almost historically, Jesus, Superman, Leonardo da Vinci’s Mona Lisa (‘Mina Losa, a Gujarati washerwoman from Bhavnagar’) are all Indian. In fact, British sitcom itself is an Indian invention.

So why and how on Earth did we forget all this knowledge, invention, and technology that we ancient, glorious Indians knowledged, invented and technoleged? Yeh sab kyun huabeta Duryodhan? Kyu?! Because all this vast technological prowess was destroyed by the Nehru-Gandharis.