ModiGuest Post- Anand Mazgaonkar


We’re blessed with the bravest, boldest, busiest, best dressed and most articulate PM we’ve ever had. Oh, and he has the biggest chest of all. He very modestly confesses that it measures 56 inches, but truth be told,  it has actually come to measure 156 inches. Not only that, we have a very ‘cultured’ Culture Minister. And together they’ve resolved to re-educate, re-orient the nation in some basics.

They sprinkle, distribute, shower or bombard – depending on the exigencies of situations – their pearls of wisdom lovingly and liberally. What we therefore know is that a killing by an ideologically charged, trained and organised lynch mob is an ‘accident’. It is not clear if the Culture Minister has expounded the current official definition of ‘accidents’ we can safely assume that the Ayodhya mosque demolition (those who destroyed the great monuments in Palmyra, Syria should actually pay the VHP-RSS-Babri-demolition-Brigade royalty) 1984 Delhi riots, the 2002 Gujarat killings were all accidents. There must indeed be such a thing as an ‘organised accident’. If anyone has doubts or wants to quibble with that a Commission may be appointed to look into the matter. There are lots of worthy people who haven’t got their due recognition under the present dispensation. Asarambapu, Sakshi Maharaj – and since the Commission ought to be multi-disciplinary – Lalit Modi, Ramalinga Raju (Satyam fame) are eminently qualified to ‘man’ that Commission. (It has the to be emphasised that the Commission has to be ‘manned’ as there should be no women. Since the Commission will be dealing with the issue of accidental rapes having women on it will create a conflict of interest)

Together they can come up with a comprehensive definition of accidents, accidental rapes, accidental scams, and of course, accidental accidents. 

While the Commission can carry out its mandate within the remaining term of this Government a working definition until then, on behalf of Culture Minister, Mr. Mahesh Sharma can be

an accident is a demolition, riot or killing without anyone having carried it out, or where sufficient or suspected grounds exist to blame the victim

This actually merits immediate incorporation in the Constitution. A footnote explaining this provision will, of course, explain that time is now at a standstill, nothing ever happens now, things happened only in the past. And all that happened is in the scriptures. So, test tube babies, plastic surgeries, airplanes, nuclear weapons were all there 5000 years ago. It might even be the case that some of those weapons launched then are acting now. Ah, that’s a cause-of-death they haven’t used yet but it is entirely possible that Mohammad Akhlaq was killed by a weapon hurled 5000 years ago.

A lot of people are creating a ruckus charging the 156-inch chested PM observing silence. Intellectuals are opportunistically blaming him, litterateurs are resigning from literary bodies, Sahitya Akademy awards are being returned. What an unfair, mistimed hullabaloo! They don’t spare  the PM even while he is busy changing his clothes, dressing up appropriately for his various public events in Sydney, Dubai, Frankfurt, New York, Silicon Valley and assorted other Tourist shrines. The rantings of his Parivar have filled up his chest to 156 inches. And he speaks on every conceivable issue from sending birthday greetings to get-well-soon messages. He also speaks about domestic issues such as LPG cylinders and corruption in Sydney and New York just as he talks about dreams from Mars in Munger, Bodh Gaya and Sasaram. Don’t these pretentious conscience-keepers have any idea about the wide range of issues he speaks on? They just ought to appreciate that it is beyond their grasp.

They all believed that –  given the PM and his Parivar’s Hindu-fundamentalist persuasion – India’s relations with Islamic States would plummet. That is clearly not the case. The Indian PM gives his  Pakistani counterpart a bear hug first, then slams the door in his face and then is back to hugging, kissing and slamming. Now, that only happens between nervous, new lovers. In our PM’s rule our friendship with Pakistan, Saudi Arabia and others continues to scale new peaks all the time. Lynch mobs dispense summary justice at the slightest suspicion of disrespect to Koran or the Prophet in some of these places. We now do the same here. Which other PM could have steered our relations towards deeper friendship?

India and Pakistan might soon consider signing a Treaty of Reciprocity and Imitation. Actually, signing multilateral treaties – along the lines of the WTO agreement – with Pakistan, Saudi Arabia, Syria, IS and forming the WFO (World Fundamentalists’ Organisation) might be a good efficient way of doing things.

And he’s the bravest, boldest PM.  Anyone other fickle-minded PM would have been flustered into expressing regret, ordering inquiries, cracking-the-whip etc. in the face of targeted killings, inciting of violence and lynch-mob justice. Thank God for a cool-headed PM, and for the fact that no Minister has thus far claimed that the Dadri mob actually conducted an in-camera trial and held hearings before heading out to lynch Mohammad Akhlaq.