GREATEST SPECTACLE ON EARTH?
Guest post by- Anand Mazgaonkar
Mr Barack Obama and his Air Force One are to descend from the skies on India for her Republic Day celebrations. There cannot be a greater cause for pride than his 48 hour visit. It is not only a feather in our Prime Minister’s cap but we’re also told that India will be safe during those 48 hours. Pakistan has been asked to ensure that no terror attack takes place during those 48 hours. Mr Obama has wagged his little finger and 1.25 billion people are suddenly safe. Now, that’s a great improvement on the past. That finger, in the past, wagged to bomb Afghanistan, Iraq, Libya and assorted other places. This planet is indeed becoming a more just place. There’s apparently been a tripartite MoU between the US Government, Pakistan Government and Terrorists based in Pakistan, and Afghanistan. It is not clear where the MoU was signed but it would certainly have been cheaper for the parties involved if they had signed it during the recently concluded Vibrant Gujarat jamboree – lower overhead costs, you see. Outside the written MoU Pakistan also seems to have been verbally warned that US will slap them with a 2 % Aid reduction penalty in case the MoU is violated.
Having been so secured on the Pakistani flank, Mr Obama will be protected on the Indian flank from the Indians by a 7-layer security ring + 10,000 paramilitary personnel + 80,000 from the Delhi Police force + ground-to-air radar security. The only way, it seems, to keep India safe would be to have Mr Obama shift residence to India. It is surprising nobody had this bright idea earlier. But Mr Obama choosing to stay on India is slightly unlikely, so the next best thing we can do is to put those ground-to-air radars to some other productive use. They could possibly be used to spot poor, hungry and homeless people on the street etc. A more profitable use for real estate agents and speculators is to use the radar to identify new swathes of agricultural land that can be acquired or slums and shanty towns that can be demolished. Indeed, spotting the poor and hungry will not contribute to India’s GDP, the latter option will take us to 8-9 % GDP growth – a trajectory that is completely feasible given the Modi-Jaitley-Amit Shah Khap Panchayat effectiveness.
The deployment of 10,000 paramilitary personnel and 80,000 from the Delhi Police force will need some minor readjustments. May be, they should also have their own MoU with the thieves, robbers and rapists operating in Delhi to observe a 48 hour holiday during the duration of Mr Obama’s stay. That would then also count as the biggest positive outcome of Mr Obama’s visit. If the PM-Obama talks proceed well Mr Modi could also convince Mr Obama to make a special grant to compensate those engaged in crime for lost man-days, out of CIA’s slush funds.
If all these things click together, it will be a complete win-win situation for everyone concerned. Mr Obama will be happy that Pakistan has complied with his orders, Mr Modi will have his smiling pictures plastered everywhere, the Terrorists will have their two-day rest, criminals in Delhi will have a paid vacation, and the Aam Janata will get to see a great soap opera on TV. Air Force One can then ascend the skies again and Mr Modi can get back to drafting Ordinances.