When she first moved in, she endured months of casual cruelty like a tree would without flinching. She didn’t turn to see which small boy had thrown a stone at her, didn’t crane her neck to read the insults scratched into her bark. When people called her names clown without a circus, queen without a palace she let the hurt blow through her branches like a breeze and used the music of her rustling leaves as balm to ease the pain.
It was only after Ziauddin, the blind imam who had once led the prayers in the Fatehpuri Masjid, befriended her and began to visit her that the neighbourhood decided it was time to leave her in peace.
Long ago a man who knew English told her that her name written backwards (in English) spelled Majnu. In the English version of the story of Laila and Majnu, he said, Majnu was called Romeo and Laila was Juliet. She found that hilarious. `You mean I’ve made a khichdi of their story?’ she asked. `What will they do when they find that Laila may actually be Majnu and Romi was really Juli?’ The next time he saw her, the Man Who Knew English said he’d made a mistake. Her name spelled backwards would be Mujna, which wasn’t a name and meant nothing at all. To this she said, `It doesn’t matter. I’m all of them, I’m Romi and Juli, I’m Laila and Majnu.And Mujna, why not? Who says my name is Anjum? I’m not Anjum, I’m Anjuman.I’m a mehfil, I’m a gathering. Of everybody and nobody, of everything and nothing. Is there anyone else you would like to invite? Everyone’s invited.’ The Man Who Knew English said it was clever of her to come up with that one. He said he’d never have thought of it himself. She said, `How could you have, with your standard of Urdu? What d’you think? English makes you clever automatically?’ He laughed. She laughed at his laugh.hey shared a filter cigarette. He com They shared a filter cigarette. He complained that Wills Navy Cut cigarettes were short and stumpy and simply not worth the price. She said she preferred them any day to Four Square or the very manly Red & White.
She didn’t remember his name now.Perhaps she never knew it. He was long gone, the Man Who Knew English, to wherever he had to go. And she was living in the graveyard behind the government hospital. For company she had her steel Godrej almirah in which she kept her music scratched records and tapes an old harmonium, her clothes, jewellery, her father’s poetry books, her photo albums and a few press clippings that had survived the fire at the Khwabgah.She hung the key around her neck on a black thread along with her bent silver toothpick. She slept on a threadbare Persian carpet that she locked up in the day and unrolled between two graves at night (as a private joke, never the same two on consecutive nights). She still smoked.Still Navy Cut.
One morning, while she read the newspaper aloud to him, the old imam, who clearly hadn’t been listening, asked -affecting a casual air -`Is it true that even the Hindus among you are buried, not cremated?’ Sensing trouble, she prevaricated.`True? Is what true? What is Truth?’ Unwilling to be deflected from his line of inquiry , the imam muttered a mechanical response. `Sach Khuda hai. Khuda hi Sach hai.’ Truth is God. God is Truth. The sort of wisdom that was available on the backs of the painted trucks that roared down the highways. Then he narrowed his blindgreen eyes and asked in a slygreen whisper: `Tell me, you people, when you die, where do they bury you? Who bathes the bodies? Who says the prayers?’ Anjum said nothing for a long time.Then she leaned across and whispered back, untree-like, `Imam Sahib, when people speak of colour -red, blue, orange, when they describe the sky at sunset, or moonrise during Ramzaan -what goes through your mind?’ Having wounded each other thus, deeply, almost mortally, the two sat quietly side by side on someone’s sunny grave, haemorrhaging. Eventually it was Anjum who broke the silence.
`You tell me,’ she said. `You’re the Imam Sahib, not me. Where do old birds go to die? Do they fall on us like stones from the sky? Do we stumble on their bodies in the streets? Do you not think that the All-Seeing, Almighty One who put us on this Earth has made proper arrangements to take us away?’ That day the imam’s visit ended earlier than usual. Anjum watched him leave, tap-tap-tapping his way through the graves, his seeing-eye cane making music as it encountered the empty booze bottles and discarded syringes that littered his path. She didn’t stop him. She knew he’d be back. No matter how elaborate its charade, she recognized loneliness when she saw it. She sensed that in some strange tangential way, he needed her shade as much as she needed his. And she had learned from experience that Need was a warehouse that could accommodate a considerable amount of cruelty .
Even though Anjum’s departure from the Khwabgah had been far from cordial, she knew that its dreams and its secrets were not hers alone to betray.
She was the fourth of five children, born on a cold January night, by lamplight (power cut), in Shahja hanabad, the walled city of Delhi.
Ahlam Baji, the midwife who delivered her and put her in her mother’s arms wrapped in two shawls, said, `It’s a boy .’ Given the circumstances, her error was understandable.
A month into her first pregnancy Jahanara Begum and her husband decided that if their baby was a boy they would name him Aftab. Their first three children were girls. They had been waiting for their Aftab for six years. The night he was born was the happiest of Jahanara Begum’s life.
The next morning, when the sun was up and the room nice and warm, she unswaddled little Aftab. She explored his tiny body -eyes nose head neck armpits fingers toes -with sated, unhurried delight. That was when she discovered, nestling underneath his boy-parts, a small, unformed, but undoubtedly girl-part.
Is it possible for a mother to be terrified of her own baby? Jahanara Begum was. Her first reaction was to feel her heart constrict and her bones turn to ash.Her second reaction was to take another look to make sure she was not mistaken.Her third reaction was to recoil from what she had created while her bowels convulsed and a thin stream of shit ran down her legs. Her fourth reaction was to contemplate killing herself and her child. Her fifth reaction was to pick her baby up and hold him close while she fell through a crack between the world she knew and worlds she did not know existed. There, in the abyss, spinning through the darkness, everything she had been sure of until then, every single thing, from the smallest to the biggest, ceased to make sense to her. In Urdu, the only language she knew, all things, not just living things but all things -carpets, clothes, books, pens, musical instruments -had a gender. Everything was either masculine or feminine, man or woman. Everything except her baby .Yes of course she knew there was a word for those like him Hijra. Two words actually, Hijra and Kinnar. But two words do not make a language.
Was it possible to live outside language? Naturally this question did not address itself to her in words, or as a single lucid sentence. It addressed itself to her as a soundless, embryonic howl.Her sixth reaction was to clean herself up and resolve to tell nobody for the moment. Not even her husband. Her seventh reaction was to lie down next to Aftab and rest. Like the God of the Christians did, after he had made Heaven and Earth. Except that in his case he rested after making sense of the world he had created, whereas Jahanara Begum rested after what she created had scrambled her sense of the world.
Excerpts from The Ministry of Utmost Happiness by Arundhati Roy with permission from Penguin Random House India