“The boys played really well,” captain Dhoni has said 1,241 times?, when he wanted to sometimes say “Boss, Virat – style kam maar.” And most often, Rahul Gandhi says: “…..” when what he really felt like saying was “…..”
Anyway, what about the prime minister? I have always been an admirer of his superb skills at communicating with his countrymen and we all know how terrific he is at Twitter, radio, blogging and TV. And yet, that’s not really his Monkey Baat. He’s been in harness less than a year but already one senses he’s frustrated.
Not with his performance, of course, but yours. Here’s what Great Leader WANTS to say on Monkey Baat but cannot…
“My dear countrymen
What the hell is wrong with you people?! I’m trying hard to bring in achche din but you stupids are not giving any support. Am I supposed to do it all by myself?
I showed you how to clean India. I showed you photos of how to hold a broom. I pointed you to the rubbish. I told you what the goal was – Swachh Bharat. What more do you people want? Why is this shitty place still so dirty? Stop whining and clean your neighbourhood.
Next, I’m fed up of all the black money jibes. I’m on it, all right? I’ve told Switzerland to return it. Twice. When they send it I’ll tell you.
Then there’s the question of my team. Let me have ?chamchas about me who are fat. Amitbhai, Nitinbhai, Smritiben. But yon Jaitley now hath a lean and hungry look. Ambition cannot be far off. Hmmmm. Must cut him down to size. No wait, that sounds wrong.
Meanwhile, the only person giving me support is Rahul G, who continues to make me look good through all the crises. I pray he becomes Congress president next month and that god gives him a long life.
Speaking of crisis, I have learned that you people have no taste. I still think of that suit, with the most subtle and sober patterning, as elegant. I thank god for giving me such a fine eye for fashion. Even Barack said – “Are you seriously wearing that thing?” I corrected him: “I yam soberly wearing it.”
All the foreign trips have led me to think… what’s wrong with the world’s food, bhai? Why don’t these people eat dal dhokli, khaman and fafda? I had to make up stories – “Saheb is fasting, Saheb is doing Navratri” – so that I could get away at Barack’s pad (can it still be called ‘White’ house, hein bhai?) having just juice in public.
Thenk god for the theplas which I’m carrying.
Anyway, that’s what I wanted to say this week. Please don’t expect any miracles from now till next Sunday. Remember to clean your streets, remember not to send any black money out, to work hard for the economy, to watch out for suspicious packages, to not eat beef and to not send your daughters out alone in taxis.
Achche din will come as soon as you people do that. I promise.”