by Meenakshi Dahiya
How is the heat in Dubai? Hopefully, better than the Monsoon session of the parliament. By the way, it really is a pity you have to fly on Air India One, paid for by the tax-payers’ money, and not commercial. Imagine the frequent flier miles you would have earned that way! You could have used those after your tenure completes in 3 years and a bit. Also, did you register for maximum number of selfies with the Guiness book of records people? You really must!
You looked like a ‘Raja’ for your 15th of August speech. The look, the sound bites and the promises… the total package! What more can a ‘praja’ ask for.
Speaking of praja, these pesky Army Veterans should have been put behind bars. How dare they demand OROP? No one can deliver that. Plus they spoilt your image from the one blowing dreams to raining blows on crappy old men. I have heard that railway people have now caught the same bug too.
While on bugs, did you get these guys – Sanjiv Bhatt, Teesta whatsername et al “checked” for their ‘steadfastness’ bug. They are so irritating – just won’t give up! Their brand of patriotism is polluting young brains. I believe Hitlerji did similar bug-tests too. You will know about that – surely as an RSS Pracharak, you will be familiar with the thoughts of the second Sarsanghchalak, Golwalkarji himself, who said of Hitler’s Germany that it has “shown how well-nigh impossible it is for races and cultures having differences going to the root, to be assimilated into a united whole, a good lesson for us in Hindustan to learn and profit by”. If that isn’t a clear enough directive on how to handle diversity, nothing is.
This country is actually full of crazy people. I know Muslims who have lost their voices, crying themselves hoarse that they are Indians not Pakistanis; proud Sikhs who will happily fight for the honour of Hindustan while naively insisting that they are a separate religion all the time; Christians who keep forgiving and silently working; and even Hindus who are least bothered about others’ religion and keep believing in the importance of their own karma. We need to keep these crazies in check and get them to think more passionately about their religions and religious differences (again, remember what Guruji said about differences going to the root!). Thankfully we do have some great people who are doing exceptional work here. I am proud to say that right now, ‘Hindus’ like Bapu Asaram and Radhey Maa are leading the battalion that is inspiring the masses, matching the might of people on the other side like Owaisi etc. Moreover, you have made sure people like Togadia, assorted sadhus and sadhvis do their bit too. These are great teachers. When not delivering ‘lessons’, they are doing ‘revisions’ and providing reminders. I remember how last year, Togadiaji said to muslims, “Aap Gujarat bhul gaye honge, par aapko Muzaffarnagar yaad hoga”. What is this if not great national service. Such reminders keep the nation sane and on its toes. Thank you!
Actually, I can’t seem to stop thanking you. Now, look at the brilliant renaming of the Agriculture Ministry. What more can farmers ask for! All their troubles will now vanish. Anyway, they were only killing themselves because of failed love-affairs, as helpfully pointed out by your esteemed minister. Now, through the new ministry, I am sure they will get a new dating service, police-will-not-disturb-in-hotels guarantee and similar services that should keep suicidal thoughts at bay.
Meanwhile, on the economy front, banks are flush with funds and no one needs borrowing, inflation is falling, GDP is rising… if this is not utopia then I don’t know what is. Please pay no attention to naysayers. They can never be happy. They go on saying that total bank deposits are falling for the first time since 1963, that the food part in inflation is rising (damn those daals!) and the GDP numbers are fudged! I mean, sure they may have statistics to prove all this, but these are minor details – the more important thing is the positive sentiment that economy will take off anytime soon. Why, it may even be with your next take off!
I also wanted to talk to you about women. I think they are always the trouble makers. Look at the Ramayan or the Mahabarat. Always women – the root of all problems. And I am not just talking of women who extend ‘humanitarian help’ to people wanted by the law, and profit from their purchases of shares and so on, creating all sorts of problems for you. I am talking of the more run-of-the-mill members of the weaker sex. The sort who keep demanding food for family, education for young children and jobs for older ones. Then there is the perpetual security issue. They should feel safe you know. It is puzzling that they don’t. You are doing so much – you are opening 36 rape trauma centres in the country. How does it matter that the plan was for 660 centres earlier. You even had a 200 Crore Rupees budget allocated for women’s safety. Sure, by not building that Sardar Patel statue, you could have doubled this budget, but that’s besides the point. These women are never happy. Ask any married man! Umm, sorry, that came out wrong.
Anyhow, you are a champion at managing such minor troubles. I have seen you get people in a trance simply by using the magic words ‘corruption gone’ and ‘black money returns’; and all problems vanish in a flash. I am sure you have an ace or two up your sleeve about the lack of colleges and jobs and such. I will be keenly watching you pull these aces out!
More next time, till then….